"Go to sleep bitch" Go to Sleep. Eminem.

{We fade in on nothing. It's blackness. There is no scene yet.}

I feel like I am wearing really expensive underwear because it gives me the feeling that my turds are gold plated. See this is a internal diatribe that I speak unto myself to fill up time and space that no one will really take into consideration except for the sheer fact that I have nothing else to talk about. My opponents didn't call me the new guy! You know why! Because Ashton probably called himself [the new guy] in his promo so we probably thought it was copywritten. I mean it could be that they know I'm a plant and that I have done something like this before if not professionally at least in the indies. I mean it's not like my opponents are smart enough to actually do research one me. Ahhh. A golden fart on my plesant white cream colored undies of destiny and delictability. Smell my farts of freedom and justice. Yes smell them! Oh I know you like to think your shit don't stank but I know I just farted roses and rosemary. Yes I know I have to keep coming up with clever titles that begin with the same letters because I am original that way. Yes. Original. No way I could ever be copied or act like everyone else.

My father just died of cancer and I feel like it's really impeding on my sexual performance with bunny rabbits.

Excuse me this is my diatribe and dialogue with myself.

Oh sorry. These promos all look and sound the same you know.

Quite all right. Now if you'll excuse me Mr. St. Patrick's Day. Now. Let's talk about our favorite subject. Why me of course. You silly things. Oh I do hope there is someone who has taken their time out of their busy lives for me to make fun of for this lovely situation of the “surprise” rant that I am going to do in the middle of the expected promo. No one will ever see that coming. No one. Nope. Not a dang person. Oh I guess I should talk about my feelings. Oh what a feeling. I just feel like dancing my high class booty (I didn't have time to look up a better word in my thesaurus I'm sorry) to the sheer amazing situation I have gotten myself into with Ataxia and Grinch. Oh I just love making fun of the Grinch with every stereotypical joke I can find. Oh goodness gracious me. You think Anthony Daniels will sue me for being the only other golden planted fruit booty.Oh goodness gracious me I have to talk about the other opponent who has actually said something. His name is Chris ASShton! Oh. I love a man whose name says it all about his persona non grata! Ohhh Ho Ho Ho! I'm just all sparkles and rainbows like a Liberace clone crossed with LeStat. OHHHHH! Gay Vampire! That should have been my gimmick since I suck that much c...can't say that! Maybe with any luck someone will stake me...just not in the heart...rawr!

Excuse me are you really making a gay joke out of this man's sense of narrative?

Why yes Abel do you have a problem with that...wait aren't you dead?

Oh just for another promo.

Darn it all. I hate it when that happens. Oh well I can't wait to see your “brother” Seth in action. Now is it you with a mustache or is it you with mutton chops?

Oh it's just all the same you know that.

Riveting. Oh my phone is going off. I wish I was OHHHHHHH!

My phone rang and suddenly it becomes a bad parody of a film noir. It was a cold metal pressed against my cheek. My face jerks.“Hi. I'm the female soon to be love interest who feigns interest to keep you straight in the eyes of the heterosexual males who watch this stuff” She said with little to no difference on her face. We finally have a seen after ten minutes of nothing going on but people talking in a monologue that no one will care about but they think makes them deep. “Your so deep.” I just said that bitch. “I want you...oh...oh...yes.” Holy crap I think this is what happens when a girl likes you. Crap. Crap. Okay don't panic and don't get a boner. Wait. To late. I got a bone to pick with you world! You'll never beat me now without it becoming a mess muahahaha! To far. No. Never to far. This whole place needs a enema and I got just the woodie to flush it out!

...Yeah I'm staying out of this one.

See you later Bucky!

{Let's change the scene now to Ataxia standing wearing a polo shirt and khaki pants. He has a long cigarette holder and a lite cigarette at the end with a pimp hat on over his mask. He smiles showing off his yellowed teeth and yellowed contact lensed eyes. In front of a group of people with shirts that say “People in the public where he rants”. }

Ataxia: Appropriate place for scene between actual people with audience participation. I mean that's what has to happen in these promos. Isn't it. I'm suppose to insult people in a mock interview because I'm the only person in the world who is important but I'm just going to go ballistic at a random time because that's all I know how to do because all I am is a whiny little crybaby kid who doesn't do anything but just bitch! What? Oh did I pee in your cornflakes...well I'm gonna crap in your dessert to son cause that aint chocolate cake. Oh but I'm going to make fun of someone whose taken time out of their busy schedule that we all know you paid to be there and to be insulted by you because you have to make someone feel like shit to make you tolerate your ugly ass. I could keep this parody going all damn day but the joke is over because no one is buying all your crap. You want to try to out talk me? Boy. I'm not even using one percent of my performance power right now. You aint nothing more than a wannabe hoping to God no one see's what you really are, which is for lack of a better term, a pmsing bitch! Oh but I'm scared of you right? Ha ha! Oh man! That's funny. You know there use to be a little bitch like you when I was in high school. Really funny looking guy to. Hey. He might have been your daddy. Let's just call him Travis just for fun ok? So Travis' dad won the lottery when he was like nine so by age twelve he thought he was something special and liked to run his mouth. He kept talking about how he could buy anyone and anything he wanted with money. Except me. I didn't want money. I just wanted to be left alone. So one day Travis runs his mouth off to the wrong mother fucker. He says he'll pay two hundred dollars on the spot to save his dumb ass. I did beat up the other guy, for my own reasons. Then I beat two hundred dollars worth of pain into that stupid son of a bitch. Why? Because he thought he could buy respect. He thought he could buy me. Just like you. You can't buy shit. You think I went and ranted. No son. I didn't rant. I made points. You want a rant. It'll happen later. I love that your trying to make yourself feel superior to everyone by using big words that the common wrestling fan has to look up in a dictionary. That's good. Makes you feel better about yourself to come down on other people. Go ahead. Come down on me and I'll knock your ass down where it belongs.

“Uhh Mr. Ataxia” He said as if I gave to flying crap what he's saying because after all I am the only important one here. “Why are you talking in between what I say like that?” To add to the mood genius because after all everything has to be about what I am thinking and what I am thinking is I want two all beef patties, special sauce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a seasame seed bun. “...anyways. Do you really need us for this.”

Ataxia: No. Take a break. I can at least be a nice slave driver compared to Mucus.

{Everyone goes on a coffee break.}

Ataxia: So you think you got my attention and that I am scared of you because I called you out. Well hell maybe there is another reason why I devoted so much time to you. Because after all the trashtalk is done when you get sent back to the back crying like a bitch because I broke you maybe just maybe it might dawn on you that I like fucking with people. Sorry. Not scared of you. But I think your scared of me because other people trashed you and you just ignored them. I mean let's look at what the majority of your promo talking to just one fan about me? One fan? Are you really that desperate for scripting cause I can write it for you if you want and help you out. Extras can act you know. So you can use more than one person. Or are you trying to make everyone think my only fan is Belinda Bulimia? Because we all know that is false because going into this match Marcus I got more fan appeal than you because they know what I can do. Maybe you should spend some time doing your research instead of trying to talk trash with the big boys son. If you know anything about this mask's history you should tune into GCWA and see what just happened. Hell charge the ppv replay to me. I want you to get a good education from what is going to happen to you. See after all these bad words and telling you how much you suck dick I'm going to take this mask off. I'm going to go home to all the title belts and awards that I have earned. I am going to go down the basement and beat the hell out of things. I'm going to get ready. I've only got one goal now. It's not to beat the hell out of silent Nightmare and Joker. It's not to hit some sense into Ashton. It's not to beat The Grinch. You see you decided to run your mouth about something you don't understand. You think you know me? You accuse me of making you out to be a bitch? Bitch, you only know what I let you see. I'm a fucking ghost.

{He pours himself some coffee. He puts in some sugar, milk, and then a bit of ice. He drinks the whole thing down in a gulp.}

Ataxia: Ahhh. Needs more sugar. I made assumptions about your dad? Really? I got one for you then. How does it feel to be the product of a broken condom and the backseat of a sedan. I know for a fact your father did what every father did. Something you will never know you fairy. You see as a father you have to worry about where your kid is getting his next meal. You see I don't have to know who your father was. I know the type. He thinks he knows what's best for the business. But nah! You want to be serious! You want to get violent! You a freak like me! BULLSHIT!

{Ataxia pours himself another cup of coffee. He sips on this one.}

Ataxia: You see. I don't need to make a scene in front of people to make a point. All I gotta do is turn on the camera and tell the truth. The truth is you think I don't know you but you really don't know me. I'll give you a hint. I bet there is one thing in my life that you have never done. Have you ever killed a man? (sips) What? Oh I'm sorry. Did that just make you go “Whaaa”. Oh. I'm sorry. See I kind of lost my mind once and I decided to finish someone off cause they acted to far up. I guess that is just something they neglected to tell you because I don't broadcast my past. Do I regret it? That's not the point. But when you talk about all the shit you think you can do and what I did to that man makes what you claim to do as nothing. Oh but he won't kill me in a wrestling ring? Why? Why shouldn't I? I'd make you famous and that's what you want. Emm (puts some more sugar into the coffee) There we go. (sips). You say your just like me? That I'm a cartoon character. Okay Richie Rich that's not really rich. Pick a gimmick and run with it. I hope you got a doctorate or something like that because otherwise I think you've been sucking the dick of to many pretentious english grad school professors in college. Was it fun living the life since your dad became successful only because of other people? Self made man right? Nope. Made off of other people like my father.

{He finishes the coffee and pops a mint in his mouth. He crunches it and then swallows}

Ataxia: Now me and my father we don't talk. There's a reason for that. Not the reason your thinking. See my father did do those things just like I did things for my family even though I didn't want to. Bailed them out. Bailed him out. When I became a success in this industry Marcus it wasn't because I was the fastest. It wasn't because I was the smartest. It sure as hell isn't because I'm the strongest. I just excel at one thing. Breaking people. I'm not going to have to do a lot of work on you. See. The trouble with you is you think that what your money has bought you is worth what you've spent. Have you ever really starved Marcus? Other than for attention I mean. See I don't think you realize that your dad did do a lot for you but he didn't do it out of love. He did it out of obligation. But what do you care you sent him to Thailand. Good joke by the way. Very tasteful. I was impressed for a brief second and then I realized this was just as scripted as everything else you've done. Don't worry the fans are going to get their money. Right about now.

{He smiles as he puts down the coffee cup.}

Ataxia: Hit it.

{We fade for a moment as we see Ataxia, standing behind a pulpit in a goth like church, wearing a black gothed up priest outfit with a bloodstained collar and long black opera gloves. We see a life-doll replica of Marcus Delamare inside of a glass coffin. He looks so lifelike we think he is sweating form the lights. He's wearing a tux but we can only see the top part cause the bottom part of the body is covered with a black sheet. In the audience is people all wearing black and Ataxia masks. They look very upset and yet bored.}

Reverend Ataxia: We-a are-a gathered-a here-a today-a to-a add-a the-a letter-a a-a to-a everything-a! We're also here to talk about the career of Marcus here. You know I thought to myself. Six thousand dollars isn't worth this insult but now how I see this life sex doll in the coffin it was worth all the money. I guess Marcus was right. Money does buy you everything you need in life. I mean hell I needed to send him a message and all it cost me was less than one paycheck that I get from indy feds when I wrestle without this thing on. Hell they even gave me a discount when I got the realistic flaccid penis because we all know Marcus is shooting blanks. It's really surreal here. Since all he wants to do is talk his shit but this seems very poetic. What do ya'll think? You think I should end this now and be nice? I mean after all he called me out and said I ranted. Maybe I should give him a taste of what a rant really is.

{Ataxia walks down to the coffin as some of the congregation wheel in a gurney with a sheet over it.}

Ataxia: Now. I've been nice. I've been polite. I've been accused of being a murderer by Abigail Starr. Funny part was is that only one other person here knows I have murdered a man before. Did I try to kill her fiancee though? No. See I've been turning over a new leaf with this mask. I've been trying to be a good guy. I've been doing things for the fans since the front office doesn't care about them. (Sigh) I was going to be nice.

{He pulls off the white sheet and we see a lot of hardcore surgery tools, also: a machete, chainsaw, bone saws, etc.}

Ataxia: I think it's time for a little fun time.

{They pull the coffin lids open and Ataxia cranks up the chainsaw.}

Ataxia: Let's get this clear. You want to talk about how much your some kind of badass but let's take a look at what you really are? You say that I am trying to intimidate you? No. I'm trying to make you learn your lesson.

{We see Ataxia take the chainsaw and start cutting. When he's done we see the bloody paint all over the mask from the dummy and he holds up a hand. He tries to play thumb war with it for a second.}

Ataxia: Oh I'm sorry about this bro but you know what they say. If you can't beat him. Kill him!

{Ataxia scratches his ass with the dummy hand.}

Ataxia: So let's get this clear. You don't think I can intimidate you eh? Bring out big daddy.

{One of the congregation brings a seraded sword up to Ataxia who grips it. Another guy holds up the dummy body and Ataxia decapitates the head from the body. Ataxia picks up the head as the fake blood does a Sam Raimi splash all over the floor. Forty gallons of fake blood everywhere.}

Ataxia: Alas poor Mucus I killed you well but that's all right because it's just swell. See I can also speak in raps well, I just finished dealing with Lorenzo Demarco who did this shit as well. I guess you think you got a rhyme scheme to make yourself feel like you can box with me. But you gotta understand your nothing to me but just a place to contain my pee. You see that's what I'm going to do with this is turn it into a ashtray and a place to take a portable piss. I might do you a favor and make your ass my condom dispenser. I guess everything else I could say would just make you get pestered but that's okay because all you are is a gnat on my dick without a wing. You little retarded kid wanna make rhymes and raps I'll tell you exactly what you can do. You can open up you lips, close your eyes, and pay your dues.

{Ataxia open the lips of the doll head and slams it against his crotch section. He stands there for a second going really slow and awkward with his thrusts.}

Ataxia: Wow. You suck dick worse than Psycho Ninja. Alas poor Mucus I fucked you well. Now I'm going to throw you away like the expensive toilet paper because it does the same thing but just feels quilted. So deal with my shit and get flushed mother fucker!

{He kicks the head into the audience who are up singing and dancing to the rap song. Suddenly we hear a gospel like beat start to play as Ataxia picks up a brick hammer and mounts the coffin. He starts hitting the hell out of the dummy sending blood and latex covered body parts everywhere.}

Ataxia: What's my name!? You don't know! Call Daddy! See if he can bail you out of this! I aint taking out Kanye I'm rapping you! I'm going to do what Mike Tyson could only claim to do! I'm going to fuck you till you love me and then shit on your face! Because everything about you screams “I'm a disgrace!”. Don't worry about your girl I'll take care of your driver and if you mess with me I'll just poke her in the eye with this! The same hammer I broke your bitch ass with! What?! Is this to hard for your clean mind? Have I just mindfucked you till the end of time! You want to get me lite mother fucker this isn't even me slightly pissed! With this mask on I got a real point for you. Hey someone toss that head back to me to.

{The head gets tossed back with it's eyes ripped out to Ataxia. He reaches into his robe and pulls out a Ataxia mask and puts it on the head. The lights go down and we just see Ataxia talking to the bag head. Ataxia pulls off his mask but we don't see his face as we zoom into the “Marcus Ataxia” head.}

Ataxia: So. I'm a cartoon character wearing a bag. Well now I am talking to you without the bag on. I sold out? No. I'm doing this for a reason. I'm making fun of this industry for a real reason. People wear masks here all the time and expect the fans not to notice. I'm wearing this one to expose it. You see your the one wearing the mask now as a symbol but that's okay because it looks good on you. The bag looks good on you. In fact it's a improvement. You want to break me? You want to beat me? Fucker you couldn't beat me if I let you with whips and chains. See the difference between me and you is that I am somebody and your a clown. Right now I got people offended. Good because I just took your fire and burned you with it.

{We see Ataxia's other hand come up with a lighter.}

Ataxia: So let's end this and burn a effigy because all you are is chump change and nothing to me!

{A fireball hits the mask setting it on fire and Ataxia tosses it into the camera. We fade out for a second to Ataxia, masked, outside of the arena for Wrestlefest Two.}

Ataxia: Last jump around I promise but I got to point out something about Grinch because I just had to bury that white boy sorry about the switch. But I got to ask you how does it feel to get insults from a Family Guy script? I beat this guy like that time such and such did such and such. That's all you can do but that's okay Grinchy because soon I hope the world knows “What would it be without you!” Come on Ja Rule sing for the girls because once you go green everyone else just aint clean! Come on Grinch show me something. Because all I know is that I just ass raped your pride with encumbrance! I'm reaching my word limit on burying bitches. So let's fade to gray and shut the hell up. Fun time is upon us. Let's fuck this up!

{Fade to Gray}