~So don't cry to me ohhh baby. Your future is in a Oblong Box!~

"I hope you die!" I hope you die. Bloodhound Gang

Twilight. Twilight.

First wrestler I maim Thursday Night.

I know the wish you wish tonight.

Dear Shadow, how did I offend thee so. My dark melodic cryptic promos use to bring in the tweens. Why dear dark lord Shadowmort do thy hate my Jeville self? To put me up against a “man” that no one seems to comprehend. I do not know why he hates me so, but maybe I can just whine and cry some more. Then he'll take pity on me...

Nope. Screams turn me on.

I love screamers. Here piggy piggy piggy.

And you thought Ned Beatty had the hardest part.

No. See. I'm going to end it for you. I'm going to end all of this? All of this crap. This isn't a wrestling show anymore. It's a madhouse! I'm the sanest one here!

That's scary to you to? It scares the shit out of me that's for sure. If any place in the whole world deserves to have the earth salted around it so nothing else can grow from it. If anything deserved to die. It is this company.

That is not a wrestler! That is not entertaining! That is nothing more than a shame!

Do you people want me as a champion?

Ask yourself? Do I scream World Title Holder? No. I don't. I'm that guy who you come to see just to throw things at! Look at the freak! Pay twenty dollars and get your picture taken with the man with the bagged face!

Why do you wear a mask Ataxia?

Because I am each and every one of you. I am that fan who is hiding behind the mask of wearing a stupid t-shirt, sporting a plastic belt, and chanting annoying one liners that this fuckwad mass produces down all of our throats.

I matter.

Because you matter.

Each one of these so called professional wrestlers don't give two shits about you fans.

Lion says he's here to entertain you? Really. Then do a real fucking promo you asswipe! Do things how they are suppose to be done. You want to rip me a new asshole where my throat is go ahead, but no one cares about your BAD FAN FICTION of Dragon Ball Z crossing over with Angel, The Matrix, and Twilight.

Not you. The thing that actually has some merit on society.

Sit down. Shut up. I'm done talking about you because even you said you don't matter. I just want to do tag team matches.

This is a farce. I'm not slamming doors though. I'm not going to jerkoff and use it for hair gel. I am not going to be your fucking muppet!

Are we starting to figure out that I mean business yet?

I could say this is a “shoot”, but I am not trying to get noticed because I can't promo well. I can. I know I can. The people who watch this are glued to their seats wondering what the hell I am going to do next. The answer is simple.

When it is all said and done Twilight will be finished.

Because he already gave up.


Because apparently subtlety is a lost art here.

So let's just see how many more bad things I can do before you all start agreeing with me.

I want you all to listen to how I feel about this place. The only way I know how. With better actors than any of these chumps ever could be.

Yes! Do it! Get mad as hell! This match should not be the main event! This match should be the curtain jerker! They are only doing this to keep me till the end of the program just to make sure you are watching! Turn it off!


Walk out. Walk out of the main event. Go away.

Start doing it! Start leaving. Do it! Just do it! Leave. Maybe then they will start realizing exactly what I have been saying is true. That this product is horrible.

The matches are stale.

The booker...needs to step down.

This needs to stop.

Am I getting your attention yet?

No. I'm not showing you the scene today. This match doesn't warrant it. I could satire Twilight but let's face it. It would only get compared to “Vampire Sucks” because of all the emo references. Besides where am I going to find a bunch of skinny emo kids in mass quantities to show up for a really bad parody of that town he's always talking about.


See I know my limitations. I can't do better than THIS.

Rock on little emo kids. Rock on. Let's remember one thing.

I win even if I lose so this match is nothing more than a bad excuse.

Come on Twilight. Maybe we should tag up. Oh wait...That'd still only be one wrestler on the team.

Oh well...I could always use a valet.