We fade in on a gym somewhere in the United States. We see Ataxia in the background wearing a set of workout clothes: Black pants, black shoes, black t-shirt, his arms all taped up, black MMA style gloves, and of course the mask. He is beating the shit out of a punching bag. As the camera is finally set up we see a man we've seen before walk in front of it. We know him as Trent Steel. He's wearing a pair of black oakleys with red lenses and a black business suit. His long black hair pulled back in a ponytail.
Trent Steel: Hi. So. Funny story. My boy over there doesn't want to do a promo. Now. I know SFT lives to see him talk because well why else would such great stars like Gary Mac and Ace waste all of their time focusing really on Ataxia. I mean hell...Gary even did a whole preview of what he thought Ataxia was going to do this week. Truth is Gary. You don't know shit about what that boy can and will do...
Miranda Steel: Dad...are you actually about to cut a promo for him?
Miranda Steel walks into frame. She's wearing black leather trench coat, a black dress, black boots, and black shades. Ataxia cuts his eyes at the two and keep punching the punching bag.
Trent Steel: Well...He isn't going to do it and it's part of his contract.
Miranda Steel: Bullshit. You're retired and getting an itch.
Trent Steel: Yeah. I'm just itching to get into the ring with two farts who are either bitching about they should retire or just punching a clock till they do retire in...how long is he going to be there Tax?
Ataxia:...
Trent Steel: You know you gotta talk at some point while the camera is on.
Ataxia: Va te faire foutre!
They both look at him confused as he almost knocks the punching bag off of the stand.
Trent Steel:...what the hell did he just say?
Miranda Steel: French. You don't wanna know.
Trent Steel: Oh well...wait...when the fuck did you pick up french?
Ataxia: My job. You know the one I should be doing instead of this god damn waste of time.
Trent Steel: What?
Ataxia: You know that job I have when I don't wear a mask and have all these assholes talk about hey I should retire or hey you haven't beaten me and I'm retiring in two months so you never will. You know that thing. The thing I do during the week when the cameras aren't around that I can't show the fans because that will jeopardize this big identity I have to keep a secret.
Trent Steel: See. You never talk about your real job.
Ataxia: Would you listen if I told you?
Trent Steel: Probably not I only care about you as a wrestler.
Miranda Steel: Well this explains why you are so good at french kissing.
Ataxia rolls his eyes, but he smiles at the poor pun. Trent is not really that amused since Miranda is his adopted daughter.
Trent Steel: Look. Why aren't you dong your job?
Ataxia: Why should I put any effort into anything anymore? They don't. Hell. Did you see what my opponent did for the pay per view? Gave up! So why should I even bother with these things? I'll just beat the shit out of them in the match. This serves no purpose except indulging in some diatribe with a bunch of old farts who think they have to win some battle of words like a bunch of twelve year olds.
Trent Steel:...He makes a good point.
Miranda Steel: Yeah. Except he's forgetting one thing.
Ataxia: What's that?
She walks over and whispers something in his ear.
Ataxia: Really?...You'd do that?
Miranda Steel: Yep.
Ataxia: Trent! To the Ataxiamobile!
Trent Steel: We don't have a...wait...what did you promise to do?
Miranda Steel: Just shut up and get him to the studio.
Trent Steel: Ugh. Kids. They're demands. I'm old. I can't do what you want all the time lightning fast.
Ataxia: Stop sounding like Gary Mac and Ace and move your old man ass!
Ataxia dashes out of the room with Miranda Steel. Trent gets up and taps the camera.
Trent Steel: Fluffy. You're welcome. I just saved your program for another week.
He smiles as the camera goes to black.
Oh no a parody of little ol' me! Oh lordy whatever will I do. I mean I guess I could counter parody, but why bother.
You guys are already to much of a joke to even bother. However since you liked to bring up how I promo Gary. Let's point out some songs that do have a purpose that I could post.
Case in point. Say I was facing Alexander Hayes...
Now see here. If I was trying to piss of Harvard Boy I could go into a whole lot of really bad jokes. I could riff on some of the great wrestling indians of old, but I honestly can't think of any. I think this is a better representation of you than anything with your great creator bullshit. Usually the song I do is just for entertainment purposes or because I like it, gee...I wonder what would happen if someone decided to actually make fun of something I did? Oh well. I'm just gonna go beat on my tum tum drum and try to be somewhat scary from Harvard. I mean there is no way I could make fun of Gary Mac or The Great Ace doing this?...Hehehehehe.
Now Johnny Legend. Here is a man who needs no introduction. He's so cool he doesn't even have to try to become a star in the world of being thrown away. A way that you all will go in probably a few more rounds with me. Look at that idiot. What a piece of trash! AHAHAHAHA. Oh crap I forgot I can't laugh. That would give validity to what you said right Gary? I mean I could just wait to the last minute for this or I could just do something funny. By the way how is trash can? How is he doing since I did what I did to him? Have you heard from him. Is he getting back into commentary or are you going to let JC keep doing his job because heaven knows you guys don't need TWO suck ups on commentary saying how great you use to be when in reality everyone thinks...knows...and swears...you suck. That's okay. At least you do effort right. You gotta be better than this pile of shit right? Or wait...here we go!
The so called bringer of more insanity to SFT than anyone before him. How could I make fun of someone like The Goof Moron here. Oh yeah. It's so easy just to sit around and think of thought provoking things to say with letters. I mean at least I do everyone a favor and keep my ugly face off of camera right? Gee I wish you two would take THAT page out of my book because let's face facts. I think Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich are cuter than you two.
And yes...Gary is Newt. Something bad from the nineties that should have stayed dead.
So with these thoughts in mind what other songs could I use to make fun of D.I. members. Oh I dunno. Let's start with Captain Jack Sparrow.
So Ace. Let's you and I have a talk about a few things. I'm not going to tell you that you are useless. No. See I think you do have a use. It's just not in wrestling. I think working at a pirate themed resturant might work. I mean hell...they're probably doing another 'Pirates' movie that I am sure you can get in on with such a riviting rendition of shivering someone's 'timbers'.
Best Grip or Fluffer more likely.
Oh you thought I meant the Johnny Depp one right?
See. I'm not the one who tried to get inside of my head a few weeks ago. That was you. You want to try and point out that my 'plans' haven't exactly worked. How? How do you know what the plan is exactly? Just because I'm not blowing up buildings doesn't mean I am no succeeding. Hell. You guys put me right on track. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Really. I have to say the fact that I have made you into a joke and turned Legend into a quitter makes my plans become one more step closer to fruition. See.
Now follow me because I'm going to expect you to actually think.
Yes, I am going to kill this company. See. The thing you don't realize is that like a great oak you can't just chop down a tree such as this with one stroke. That's all you and your ilk seem to live for. One match. At a time. If you can't beat the man. This is all you live for. The long term goal is never what you strive to do. That's the point that you fail to get.
The best way to bring down a tree isn't a chainsaw. It's to make it rot from the inside.
Then no one see's it coming. This place is rotting ever so slowly because with what I have been doing I am slowly bringing it one step closer to dropping off the face of the planet.
Why not just do it quicker. It amuses me. Also if you are going to do something big.
Make the audience the biggest you can do see it. That's why you pathetic old men don't really ever put forth any effort into anything unless it's a big match or a pay per view.
When your “only thing for living” is being taken away.
So I expect for a 'fuck' to be given for this match. At least more so than the one I had with Legend. Remember kids. This is the best stable in the world. This is the best group in the history of professional wrestling.
Pfft. You are neither a wrestler or a professional.
You call this effort? You call this something to give a shit about? Oh. You're to old to care. Then quit. Do us all a favor and go out of the limelight with some dignity instead of actually going on and on about how you shouldn't care blah blah blah. See the best part about all of this is I don't have to beat you Ace.
You've all ready done it for me. Isn't that just plain wonderful. By the way in your 'old' timer way of thinking you started to repeat yourself. So glad I didn't put up a promo first because well...you are so creative when you have the first shot. I mean it's almost like you guys are just chomping at the bit for anything for me to say.
When in reality I don't give a thought about either of you.
Ever.
Drink up me hearty. It'll all be over soon. One way or the other. The end of the error is starting.
Now let's move on to he who talks to damn much without thinking first.
Gary.
I.
Guess.
I.
Should.
Annoy.
You.
Where's the fun in that?
So have you been liking the songs with purpose? I think you will love the one I have found for you. It's something old...you know. You remember the nineties right?
That's right folks. Miranda is singing to you with her special guest star the young Gary Mac.
Tell me how does one become like you?
Why are you so bitter?
Is that the point of getting old.
To be as bitter and full of self loathing as you? I think not. I think it's just because you still feel yourself a failure.
I need someone to hold my hand? Wow. Since we are in a tag team match. Good observation. Tell me this need you have to ramble on in fifteen short low intellectual words when one really good one will do...is it a sign of not getting enough riboflavin?
Oh it doesn't hurt me that people lose matches. Matter of fact it makes them realize they are human. That they can make a mistake. Kinda like the mistake you made the last time I faced you in a tag team match right?
Oh yes. Going after a little shit like Dirk Roman and leaving your partner high and dry. Shock and awe really. Tell me. Do I really have to beat you to beat you? No. See. I already have. In less than two months we can say farewell forever to you inside the ring. The place that has defined you for so many long years. After that long career you must be proud of something.
Tell me...howse the wife?
Family life going well?
Old friends from high school still talk to you?
Am I hitting nerves? Good. I want to. Because I want to prove a point to you. You say you do everything for this business, but really what has it done for you. It took someone who showed promise years ago and turned him into a bitter pathetic husk. Oh sure you can win a match. What do you really win. At the end of the day...
You are still not good enough.
How many world titles you have won. I'm sure you don't have any regrets about not winning other ones right? I mean there isn't one in particular I could point out to you to get you mad could I? I could bring up countless little facts about Gary Mac to make him out to be a big loser. The truth is I don't have to.
I will not blame Kiba for losing if we lose the match. We would have lost to a better team. What? Were you expecting me to go on a rant about how bad you are as a wrestler? Hardly. You are a worthy opponent. It's just well...you're a turd. And I hate turds. Truth be told I could spit sunflower seeds on you and you'd start sprouting them in a week because you are so full of your own shit.
You want the national title? All right. Here is what you do. I'll fight you. If that's what the booker wants. Hey booker! You wanna make some money on something completely useless. Give this old timer one last shot at singles gold because he sure as hell won't face his own stable mate. Hell. I'm giving you what you want. You want a shot. Earn it. Then we'll talk. You seem to think that just because you've beaten me in a match that you become the automatic number one contender. Last time I checked as well...this was SFT title. Not yours. I think someone's ego is finally getting to big for his own head.
You know who I wish was beside me. None of those people. I'd rather fight you both two on one for those belts. However. If Kiba wants to win I got no problem with him. He's one of the few in SFT I don't despise. Oh by the way kids spoiler alert. I think Ace and Gary are gonna do a co op! That will totally not be there style right?
See I can do previews without stealing someone's format. It's called telling instead of showing. It's one of those great techniques that apparently have never dawned inside of that veteran head of yours.
Oh. See this is cute. You being kind to me. Do me a favor and up the time frame grandpa. Let's get this retirement speech out of the way. Let's go ahead and give you your swansong because in the end I will still win.
Because some night. You will tune in to see the show without you. You will watch it. Then you will see me still doing what I do and successfully making sure that people like you get what's coming to them. Then you will stand up and say I can take him! I can beat him! Get my...
Oh wait.
You won't be able to. Because then you will go back on your word and become just like Jeff King.
Don't you just love corners that you can paint yourself into?
The truth is Gary. You aren't even a thought in my head. The truth is you're done. Just a few months and poof. You're gone.
Got a counter for that or do you wanna talk about rumors?
The truth is I'm not bad mouthing anyone who doesn't deserve it. Backstage. Upstage. Downstage. I will tell you exactly what I think of our world champion. I call her a loser because she is one. Just like you. 'You can't call me a loser! I'm a winner.'
Don't you get tired of recycling the same old routine every day?
Because I sure as fuck am not going to miss these wonderful little rants of yours that have NO purpose.
(Sigh)
Is it just me or do you people have nothing to talk about besides my plans. Let's do this again for you. The plan is to actually kill this place. I'm not like Switchblade. The big deal with you people is take out Shadow SFT falls. Wrong.
Dead wrong.
So why am I in this stable?
Because it gets me where I need to be to strike.
See. You may not like this Gary, but you are helping me. The more attention you give me the more that I will get what I want in the end.
So your legacy will still fall once I am done with this place.
Then...you will be a nobody.
Talent isn't everything in this business and you know that. Look at who you have...Hayes. Untalented rant fiend. Legend. Whiny ass bitch who can't wrestle his way out of a dumpster. You got the world champion who...hey Gary...If you are so great...why don't YOU challenge Miranda?
Oh. I forgot. D.I. doesn't do that. So D.I. needs 'talentless' people like me to fight so that you can stay on top. Then when I do something that I really didn't care about. Taking this National Title. I pissed you off. Gee. Maybe that's my plan Gary. You mad?
Careful that vein is going to pop in your head from name dropping me so much. Why are you so focused on me. Is it to hype up the fact that you have to clutch to that undefeated I'm better than you are spot you have carved out for yourself. I have yet to lose a one on one match!
Yeah...but when you do you will have nothing.
Because without your titles and your record you are just like Evan. You are just like Jeff King. You are just like 'insert name here of no one who fucking matters'.
Everyone will still talk about me. Credibility. Well. See. That would involve you realizing exactly what the plan is. That is something you can't do because you are so focused on you. This war isn't about me. It's about attention. It's all about who will do this or that. You guys turned me from bad guy to hero. Thanks. Now I can get more popular. Which gets me one more step closer to where I want to be. I've got this so worked out that you can bring in anyone else you want to. Go ahead. Do it. I'll still win in the end. See after all of these results Gary.
After the wins. The losses. The titles.
All that matters is who is left standing.
And...you won't be.
You'll be sitting. Probably with Ace talking about the good old days to people who will never want to remember the failure that is SFT.
PROVE TO THE INDUSTRY!
Prove what? That I can make them money? That I can run a whole federation around in circles with ease and give them someone to build a foundation upon. Thanks Gary! Gee. You are just so swell for helping me.
See. I got you to do one of my own promos. Aww. How sweet. Except for one thing. You still made me more popular. Which means Gary. After I'm done here. I'll be paid elsewhere more money and get more fame than you ever could in your wildest little dreams.
I don't have to beat you to beat you.
All I gotta do is just make you do the work for me.
Congrats pawn. You just did your job so well.
Hugs and Kisses...oh shit that's righted. I would hate to 'steal' someone's way of doing things. Here. Let me do something original for you. I'll give you a preview of you and Ace after you retire. It'll look something like this.
So tell me. Have you picked out a good rest home yet?
So since you don't like my big laugh how about this one...
